Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
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