I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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