My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
