There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
