My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
