What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
