My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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