he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
