I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Randomize
