my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Randomize
