Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
