ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
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