You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Randomize
