The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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