I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
You peed on a flamingo?!?
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
