im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Randomize
