me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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