maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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