I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
Randomize
