and my herpes radar will keep us safe
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Randomize