I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
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