Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
She's just so happy...and so naked.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Randomize