Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
