I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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