when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Randomize
