She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Thank you for not boning my boss.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
just really comprehended the fact that I'm getting high at the same place I used to play as a child. the nostalgia and thc is mixing together in one, intense wave. WHO HAVE I BECOME
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
