Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Randomize
