Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
