I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
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