You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
