just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
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