i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Randomize
