im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
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