textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
