I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
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