I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
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