I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
