If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
Randomize
