sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
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