I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
