ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Randomize
