Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
