Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
