but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
