you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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