Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
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