Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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