census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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