I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
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