Whod you bang
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
My ATM looks so different sober.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
