You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
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