I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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