he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
