hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Randomize
