normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize