but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
