god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
i don't know how boys match. i think shoes & belt are the only thing. it doesn't matter. i just know if they look stupid.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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