The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
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