Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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