you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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