There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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