Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
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