nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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