Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
PANTIES FOUND
Randomize
