friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
