I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
40s are totally the cure
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
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