Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
