You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
