Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize