So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize