I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Randomize
